Disillusionment

As I am sitting here typing this, it's 8.29p.m. on a Sunday in office. I've worked seven days a week, although I cannot say with certainty that I've put that much effective hours into my work. Because, ladies and gentlemen, let's face it, with an Internet connection, there's really no controlling myself to surf the Internet during one of my many "AHHH!! I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF WORK!!!" moments now, is there?

Well, the good news is that I've got myself promoted and my salary has been revised to boot. But the bad news is...aplenty. Which will, by the time I finish this entry, lead to one word: disillusionment.

I'd like to think that the reason I got promoted is because I have excelled in my work, that my performance merits some sort of reward in the form of a salary increase and promotion. Looking back at the past 8 months which I've worked in my current firm, I noticed something very disturbing. And I use that word very, very loosely.

I've sucked with time. That's the gist of it; I'm sucking more and more as I go along. I compare my efficiency now with my efficiency several months ago, heck, even a year ago when I was a trainee in this same firm, and I notice that my level of efficiency has dropped dramatically. Which is why I have the firm belief that the promotion is just a way of (officially) saying "Hey, you! We want to push you to a higher level because WE HAVEN'T GOT ENOUGH PEOPLE IN THAT LEVEL!!"

------------------------------I went back home at this stage and the subsequent paragraphs were added today, Tuesday, at 7.46pm--------------------------------------------

So, left and right, all that I manage to see (and I do emphasize that I'm a pessimist both by heart and by choice) is disillusionment. (Almost) all my colleagues feel the same way that I do. I'm beginning to have serious doubts about the work that I'm doing, not because I'm questioning the underlying reasons that it must be done this, that, or any other fucking way, but because I'm starting to doubt myself.

I'm starting to get disillusioned about work, which in turn affects my outlook on life. Which sucks because I'm now in a constant state of tiresome depression and I don't get enough sleep. I'm currently riding the "peak season" now, which in my line (audit), often means having to work til 3-4am every day, with 3 or at the maximum, 4 hours, of sleep daily.

Work is neverending for me. Even after ending one job, there will be other jobs. This vicious cycle has been going on nonstop since the day I joined the firm, but has just recently escalated to an almost unbearable level.

I still fervently and sincerely believe that I can take much more pressure, but at the same time, am feeling disillusioned, at my job, at myself, and at my life.