Anything by Frank Zappa (and the Mothers of Invention), but especially the album "Hot Rats".
Anything by The Mars Volta, but especially their debut album "De-Loused at the Comatorium".
Anything by Cradle of Filth, but especially their album "Midian".
Anthrax's "Attack of the Killer B's".
Anything by the late, great Nick Drake (for some soothing music).
Anything by Metallica, but especially the album "Master of Puppets".
Anything by Yes (for some prog rock).
Anything by White Zombie, but especially "La Sexorcisto 2: The Devil's Music".
Anything by the venerable Guns N' Roses, but I especially like "Appetite for Destruction".
Anything by Blind Guardian.
Helloween's "Keeper of the Seven Keys: Part II".
Pearl Jam's "rearviewmirror".
Anything by G3 in any of their incarnations.
Machine Head's "The Blackening".
Napalm Death's "SCUM".
Cannibal Corpse's "Eaten Back to Life".
Crimson King's "In the Court of the Crimson King" (classic!).
Soundtrack of "End of Days".
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Disillusionment
As I am sitting here typing this, it's 8.29p.m. on a Sunday in office. I've worked seven days a week, although I cannot say with certainty that I've put that much effective hours into my work. Because, ladies and gentlemen, let's face it, with an Internet connection, there's really no controlling myself to surf the Internet during one of my many "AHHH!! I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF WORK!!!" moments now, is there?
Well, the good news is that I've got myself promoted and my salary has been revised to boot. But the bad news is...aplenty. Which will, by the time I finish this entry, lead to one word: disillusionment.
I'd like to think that the reason I got promoted is because I have excelled in my work, that my performance merits some sort of reward in the form of a salary increase and promotion. Looking back at the past 8 months which I've worked in my current firm, I noticed something very disturbing. And I use that word very, very loosely.
I've sucked with time. That's the gist of it; I'm sucking more and more as I go along. I compare my efficiency now with my efficiency several months ago, heck, even a year ago when I was a trainee in this same firm, and I notice that my level of efficiency has dropped dramatically. Which is why I have the firm belief that the promotion is just a way of (officially) saying "Hey, you! We want to push you to a higher level because WE HAVEN'T GOT ENOUGH PEOPLE IN THAT LEVEL!!"
------------------------------I went back home at this stage and the subsequent paragraphs were added today, Tuesday, at 7.46pm--------------------------------------------
So, left and right, all that I manage to see (and I do emphasize that I'm a pessimist both by heart and by choice) is disillusionment. (Almost) all my colleagues feel the same way that I do. I'm beginning to have serious doubts about the work that I'm doing, not because I'm questioning the underlying reasons that it must be done this, that, or any other fucking way, but because I'm starting to doubt myself.
I'm starting to get disillusioned about work, which in turn affects my outlook on life. Which sucks because I'm now in a constant state of tiresome depression and I don't get enough sleep. I'm currently riding the "peak season" now, which in my line (audit), often means having to work til 3-4am every day, with 3 or at the maximum, 4 hours, of sleep daily.
Work is neverending for me. Even after ending one job, there will be other jobs. This vicious cycle has been going on nonstop since the day I joined the firm, but has just recently escalated to an almost unbearable level.
I still fervently and sincerely believe that I can take much more pressure, but at the same time, am feeling disillusioned, at my job, at myself, and at my life.
Well, the good news is that I've got myself promoted and my salary has been revised to boot. But the bad news is...aplenty. Which will, by the time I finish this entry, lead to one word: disillusionment.
I'd like to think that the reason I got promoted is because I have excelled in my work, that my performance merits some sort of reward in the form of a salary increase and promotion. Looking back at the past 8 months which I've worked in my current firm, I noticed something very disturbing. And I use that word very, very loosely.
I've sucked with time. That's the gist of it; I'm sucking more and more as I go along. I compare my efficiency now with my efficiency several months ago, heck, even a year ago when I was a trainee in this same firm, and I notice that my level of efficiency has dropped dramatically. Which is why I have the firm belief that the promotion is just a way of (officially) saying "Hey, you! We want to push you to a higher level because WE HAVEN'T GOT ENOUGH PEOPLE IN THAT LEVEL!!"
------------------------------I went back home at this stage and the subsequent paragraphs were added today, Tuesday, at 7.46pm--------------------------------------------
So, left and right, all that I manage to see (and I do emphasize that I'm a pessimist both by heart and by choice) is disillusionment. (Almost) all my colleagues feel the same way that I do. I'm beginning to have serious doubts about the work that I'm doing, not because I'm questioning the underlying reasons that it must be done this, that, or any other fucking way, but because I'm starting to doubt myself.
I'm starting to get disillusioned about work, which in turn affects my outlook on life. Which sucks because I'm now in a constant state of tiresome depression and I don't get enough sleep. I'm currently riding the "peak season" now, which in my line (audit), often means having to work til 3-4am every day, with 3 or at the maximum, 4 hours, of sleep daily.
Work is neverending for me. Even after ending one job, there will be other jobs. This vicious cycle has been going on nonstop since the day I joined the firm, but has just recently escalated to an almost unbearable level.
I still fervently and sincerely believe that I can take much more pressure, but at the same time, am feeling disillusioned, at my job, at myself, and at my life.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
An old friend
I got the pleasure today to visit an old friend's blog, in which he writes profound words, so very much like him. Intense, deeply rooted in reality, and a continuous inner struggle to understand, to fathom, and to make sense of the senseless and make sane the insanity that we call life. This monster that we call life, so full of unpleasantness, disappointments and heartaches, which sometimes carries with it so much hope and optimism for the future, but which ultimately ends with death.
This guy is an old friend from my secondary school days, head prefect and an all-around nice guy. We became lesser and lesser in contact with each other after the year 2000, when I quit Form Six to continue my education elsewhere. Since then we had met up very occasionally for Chinese New Year meetings which would also become lesser and lesser until on the third year (I think, in 2003), I just sort of distanced myself from my secondary school friends and didn't attend any gatherings until the present day.
Reading his blog (which is here), I have come to realize that he has gone through many things in life, and that these experiences enrich him. There's a Chinese saying that goes something like this: do not compare yourself with others as there is no point in doing so. This basically means that there's no use comparing apples and oranges. But I cannot help but compare myself with my old friend, and finding out that I have lived an almost carefree life, that my own worries and contemplations are neither as deep as nor as profound as my old friend's.
He had gone to the most prestigious university in Malaysia, and graduated, I have nary a doubt, with a first-class honours (assumption :)). Somehow, from what I know, his current job as an underwriter deviates from his university degree, and I don't profess to know what happened, but my guess is that he got disillusioned with his previous job and wanted to experience something new, something different.
We all have these thoughts, don't we? Just to abandon everything altogether and start from scratch, start anew, refresh our tired old selves. But how many of us have dared to take that first step to actually start over? To hit the "Delete" button and record our lives anew?
My old friend (and you know who you are), this is an entry in tribute of you: you have slogged through life with dogged perseverance and suffered major setbacks bothe professionally, personally, and spiritually (although, as you know me, I personally don't believe in spirituality, but I know you do :)) , and you have emerged unscathed. You know you're a fighter in all aspects of life. You'll fight for what you think is right, no fear. I just hope that however disillusioned you've become, you always think optimistically, for optimism is what keeps us alive.
I may scoff at how disposable life is, but the truth is, deep down inside, I fucking treasure life. Just so you know. Heh.
This guy is an old friend from my secondary school days, head prefect and an all-around nice guy. We became lesser and lesser in contact with each other after the year 2000, when I quit Form Six to continue my education elsewhere. Since then we had met up very occasionally for Chinese New Year meetings which would also become lesser and lesser until on the third year (I think, in 2003), I just sort of distanced myself from my secondary school friends and didn't attend any gatherings until the present day.
Reading his blog (which is here), I have come to realize that he has gone through many things in life, and that these experiences enrich him. There's a Chinese saying that goes something like this: do not compare yourself with others as there is no point in doing so. This basically means that there's no use comparing apples and oranges. But I cannot help but compare myself with my old friend, and finding out that I have lived an almost carefree life, that my own worries and contemplations are neither as deep as nor as profound as my old friend's.
He had gone to the most prestigious university in Malaysia, and graduated, I have nary a doubt, with a first-class honours (assumption :)). Somehow, from what I know, his current job as an underwriter deviates from his university degree, and I don't profess to know what happened, but my guess is that he got disillusioned with his previous job and wanted to experience something new, something different.
We all have these thoughts, don't we? Just to abandon everything altogether and start from scratch, start anew, refresh our tired old selves. But how many of us have dared to take that first step to actually start over? To hit the "Delete" button and record our lives anew?
My old friend (and you know who you are), this is an entry in tribute of you: you have slogged through life with dogged perseverance and suffered major setbacks bothe professionally, personally, and spiritually (although, as you know me, I personally don't believe in spirituality, but I know you do :)) , and you have emerged unscathed. You know you're a fighter in all aspects of life. You'll fight for what you think is right, no fear. I just hope that however disillusioned you've become, you always think optimistically, for optimism is what keeps us alive.
I may scoff at how disposable life is, but the truth is, deep down inside, I fucking treasure life. Just so you know. Heh.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Work, work, work
I never really gave a shit for any celebrations. Not new year, not chinese new year, not hari raya, not christmas, not deepavali, none of that shit interests me. I never really understood the meaning of all these celebrations, never had any religious inclinations nor am I really rooted to my, umm, roots to care enough about these stupid motherfucking celebrations.
Celebrations of joy, celebrations of life, fuck, all those are bullshit.
I never believed in any of those, and I guess I never ever will. I just cannot get it past my mind, just cannot wrap it around my head: what's the big fucking fuss about all these mindless, meaningless celebrations?
You celebrate for awhile, then it's back to the good old grind that we call "life". Shit huh? Celebrations are just excuses for one to say "fuck all this" and get rested so that s/he can go on struggling in life.
I guess the rich have it good, huh?
They get to party every day, thus treating every day as a celebration, with tonnes of money left to spend. What an unfair world, but the world has always been unfair.
Division of wealth? No such thing. Short of robbing banks, a less-than-the-average-social-class person will never ever get rich. I don't give a fuck how hardworking he is, or how many jobs he moonlights, he will never in this life get rich. Unless, of course, he experiences some fluke such as striking the lottery or robbing banks.
Such is the state of humanity today. Life fucking sucks, and the world keeps turning.
So why the celebration?
Celebrations of joy, celebrations of life, fuck, all those are bullshit.
I never believed in any of those, and I guess I never ever will. I just cannot get it past my mind, just cannot wrap it around my head: what's the big fucking fuss about all these mindless, meaningless celebrations?
You celebrate for awhile, then it's back to the good old grind that we call "life". Shit huh? Celebrations are just excuses for one to say "fuck all this" and get rested so that s/he can go on struggling in life.
I guess the rich have it good, huh?
They get to party every day, thus treating every day as a celebration, with tonnes of money left to spend. What an unfair world, but the world has always been unfair.
Division of wealth? No such thing. Short of robbing banks, a less-than-the-average-social-class person will never ever get rich. I don't give a fuck how hardworking he is, or how many jobs he moonlights, he will never in this life get rich. Unless, of course, he experiences some fluke such as striking the lottery or robbing banks.
Such is the state of humanity today. Life fucking sucks, and the world keeps turning.
So why the celebration?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)